Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
