Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
