Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
