I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
