No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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