The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
