I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
