I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
