nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
