i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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