Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
