Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
