yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
so much tequila, so little girl.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
