you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
