I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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