Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
