I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
