I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
