The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
