Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
