I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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