I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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