Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
