did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
