He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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