If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
