saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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