ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
