I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
