Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
PANTIES FOUND
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
