im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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