my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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