i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
