R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
