Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
