You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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