I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
