Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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