The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
