Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
