Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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