I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
