I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
