Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
