i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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