so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
