I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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