On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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