Ambien. No doubt about it.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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