It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
